I wanted to hear the LORD speak; I wanted to know what He wanted from my life. I wanted to feel alive again and feel His awesome presence. When I was talking to Barto (my fiancé) on Facebook chat there was a message that he had written me and it kept sending randomly throughout our conversation, “It is so good to cry in the presence of God.” The first time it repeated it, I thought oh Barto that was random, why are you sending this but I just went on with our conversation, then it happened again. I asked him why… he said, I don’t know, my phone is being weird.
After we talked, I got on my knees to pray to the LORD. I started out praying just to leave Barto in the hands of God, since He is in Africa and I am in Mexico… And there are problems in his family in this time. I was praying for his schoolwork, his health, and all of his family. I was praying for the Pastors and children that I love so dearly in Burkina and all of the ministries. And I started to ask the LORD to cover for my trip in January—for each moment to be in His hands and for all the finances to come so I can go. And I was asking him to show me what to preach to the people in the churches, and I started to cry when I asked him to shine through me. I asked him to make me alive again, to really be alive and not in this state of depression and nothingness. All of my heart started to poor out on what is going on in the orphanage in Mexico and I was crying for each thing that burns deep in my soul; each child that has left and is out of this place, and all of the changes being made. I have felt broken, lost, unimportant, and completely alone most days asking myself, how am I truly helping these people? And how can I get them to realize the importance of what we have instead of wanting something better? I had this image of something so beautiful on the outside but on the inside it was so dirty and disgusting that I couldn’t even look at it, I wanted to vomit. I have been so disgusted by so much. And I wasn’t standing up for what I believed is right. I don’t want new couches or a new kitchen; I want children who love Jesus! There are days where I want to scream because the children do not appreciate anything they have, it is like a throw away toy that doesn’t matter because tomorrow comes another one, and I want it to be done. How can we teach them?
In that moment I thought about… how does God feel? Do I just throw away all of the blessings He gives me expecting that the next one will come!? Or am I in awe and praising Him because I am unworthy of even one blessing? I was sitting on my cold floor with my face stained in tears and my hands covered in snot… and said, “LORD this is all I have to offer you… me… a snotty mess! But I am all yours. I don’t believe I have ever questioned your existence and I know that you love me, and I really love you. So please make me alive again.” I sat there crying and asking Jesus to help me, and to fill me, and to wake up this ministry.
Then I started to read Mark 7:24b “He entered a house and did not want anyone to know it; yet HE COULD NOT KEEP HIS PRESENSE SECRET.” Wow… what a statement… He could not keep His presence secret…
I know my Jesus lives, I feel Him even in the darkest of times. I felt Him all this year when my best friend Chuy died, when both my grandpas died the same day, when the old director of the orphanage and his family left the ministry, when some of the children walked out of the orphanage and into a bad life, and when parasites and infections filled my body. I KNOW He is real, and He is good. I have also watched Him take this ministry from living week to week to being able to cover every meal, every bill, every foot with a shoe, every back with clothes, every child with a bed, and every backpack filled with school supplies. In those moments, I am in awe. With each new day I see Him working and providing. And I see the children changing little by little—when I get their hugs, see their smiles, and feel their kisses I am complete.
Im praying for ways to make the children to appreciate what they have.. and value... but mostly I am just praying for their hearts.
When I was talking to Barto today, I said Barto I have to be honest… I don’t know what we will do after we are married or where we are going to live or what money we are going to have or when you are going to have all your paperwork! He said, “My love, when are you finally going to trust Jesus with all of that?” WOW what a statement… I have a smart man with me. I don’t know what is going to happen next, or where God will send us. But all I know is, we will shine HIS light wherever we are!